I remember how it felt, that sudden rush of butterflies literally attacking my stomach the moment I saw him. Yes, I was ready for love and there he was with kind eyes which just happen to briefly glance my way and just like that, I was smitten.
The look turned to phone number exchange, to dates, to meeting the family, to vacations, and to happiness. This thing turned into the love I was waiting for and I was there for it all. I’ll spare you the details for now, but he became my world (1st mistake). I felt as if all of the previous failures were all worth it because it led me to this moment with this person that could do no wrong. I put him on a pedestal meanwhile my insecurity grew believing I was not good enough for him. So, I worked hard to keep his love (2nd mistake). The fact that he loved me back was prove that he was an angel because up until then; I spent years believing I was unlovable.
However, my love turned to smothering until I finally pushed him away. Sigh.
As imperfect as he was, to me, he was the best thing since sliced bread and God forbid anyone tell me anything different. So, when he decided that this wasn’t working for him… I was devastated. By this point any lady, would get it and figure out a way to move on. But, I was committed to love him forever. He told me not to and to find someone better for me, but who in the world could be better? I refused to believe it and this set the tone for the next 5 years of my life.
For 5 years, I waited. Yes, that may sound pathetic and trust me at times I truly was… but who lets go so easily of the one the love? So, I waited because in reality the issue was me and I just needed to fix myself. I truly believed that if I fixed whatever was broken that pushed him away from me, he would see that I was good enough for him.
DISCLAIMER: At no point did he say those words to me… but I convinced myself, I just needed to be better.
In 5 years – I picked up running/exercising (from boxing to lifting weights and everything in between), went to counseling, changed my hair a gazillion times, got tattoos, took personal development classes, took tons of personality quizzes, and even traveled internationally by myself. So, to all my friends that supported me becoming better – I’m sorry to say that at the time, my why almost always revolved around him. Yes, I told you I’ll be real in this VERY PUBLIC platform.
But, none of it mattered… I clearly didn’t get the guy. at least not the way I wanted or hoped for. We became friends because something is better than nothing. Little did I know – all I was doing was breaking my own heart over and over again. He was clear on his intentions, but I thought it was either a test, or maybe he was having a “moment”. It was painful, frustrating and at times simply pathetic. But, if Mr. Big could finally realize Carrie was the one for him in Paris after all those years – I’m sure it was just a matter of time for me to hear the same words, “you’re the one”. UGH. Stupid Sex & the City series and both movies. I was delusional. I was stuck and it was my choice to be there. I “tried” moving on, but something about seeing his name across my phone screen completely distracted my heart and mind.
Finally, life knocked sense into me… and here I am today, writing for healing, writing to let it go, writing to remind myself – It was not meant to be and it’s time to move on.
So, to all my girls who are “wasting” their time on love… but not just any love; lost love. I have a few pieces of advise and I hope this helps you during this time.
- Your time is not, and was not wasted.
- You ARE NOT pathetic.
- While it is okay to start over – take time to grieve and heal.
- If someone tells you how they feel – believe them.
- Don’t let a man tell you he doesn’t want you more than once.
- Do NOT lose yourself in this process.
- Remember that your friends will always have your back.
- Reinventing yourself can be fun – but do it for the right reason… YOU.
- Take the extra time and get involved in your community.
- Find your purpose, and stay away from risky behavior.
- TRAVEL SOMEWHERE NEW
- Write everything you feel (I’m finally doing this)
- If it’s meant to be – he will come back with clear intentions.
- Don’t “read” into his kind gestures.
- When it’s time, send him love and well wishes and let him go.
In the process, I did create amazing memories, met amazing people and found myself in all the confusion. Even though it was hard, and painful and it was probably the longest breakup anyone should experience – I learned that I am resilient.
My daily reminder: I am not Carrie Bradshaw, and he is not my Mr. Big.
And that is okay!
Until next time,