Yes my friends, I’m dramatic.
Everything about my life has a sense of drama attached to it like it was meant to be a movie. As I currently embark yet another drastic shift in my life, I’m left thinking, “wow girl, you’re special!” Yes! Special is the only word that comes to mind because it can and cannot be offensive depending on the context. I’m still trying to figure out what the context of that small phrase means to me. Often, I feel it in a more negative way when I start reflecting on my life.
Currently, I decided to jump in a bible study for women titled “5 habits on women who don’t quit.” Ha! I thought to myself when I first saw the sign up sheet in the church’s lobby. I knew God had a sense of humor, but come the freak on! As I crave for connecting back in church after quitting for months, yet again, this is the bible study women will explore for this 7-8 weeks. “Seriously God! what the heck!”, I mumbled in the church lobby my first Sunday back, “I just seriously can’t!”, and I walked away.
A week later, one of the leaders of the group approached me. She must have sensed my hesitation because again, I stood in front of the table and just stood there looking at the sign up sheet. We had briefly discussed it and I desperately wanted to join a women’s bible study but honestly… NOT ON THIS TOPIC. I was not ready to face it. I have been dipping in and out of things since I was a little girl. Quitting things is so easy, I honestly don’t even truly try long enough anymore “if there is a will, there is a way” my dad always said, and he was right.
Just this year alone I have given up on four diets, three businesses, two gym memberships, and one half marathon. But there’s more, I have also quit and given up on my finances, my mental health, and almost quit my job. A job I love but struggled so hard to stay in because of all the issues we were having. Seriously, I turned in a two week notice with NO BACK UP PLAN!!! For a hot second I think I may have lost my mind… And don’t even get me started with my hair – that’s for another blog post!
Have I made my point? That was a summary of 2018, so far… and not to mention the ways I quit on myself daily. From negative self talk to hundreds of hours hiding under my covers because life… was just too much! Simultaneously, I tried to motivate others to be better. I started recording videos on topics I still struggle with as a way to encourage myself. But, yes I quit doing that too. This year has definitely perfected my art of quitting. I never thought this would be my life. I have felt depressed, anxious, disconnected, judged, outcasted, disliked, and many other negative verbs that I’m just too tired to type. I was a mess. I’m still a mess.
But, this study looks at the book of Ruth, in the bible. Yes, that book you find a hotel drawer and perhaps in your own drawer. The story of Ruth (which she has a whole book named after her) is a beautiful one of loss and redemption. And Ruth is the star. I can’t wait to share more about it… but if you want to know for yourself dust off the bible and check out this short but powerful story.
Back to the table… I smiled and told the sweet sister – yes, I will join. I bought the workbook and even listened to the book on hoopla. YALL… I am not alone! I’m not just an epic failure. I am not the only unreliable person in the world. There are plenty of us who struggle with the art or quitting… and yes, it does get easier. Listening to that book gave me an amazing perspective as the reason why I quit things so easily. I can recall every failed relationship, every resignation letter, every Sunday where I sat on my couch because I quit going to church… and for me it boils down to “insecurity” – I have allowed the words of the world tell me that I’m not good enough. The struggles remind me I’m not qualified. And my heart… sinks.
Am I alone?
I hate letting people down and every time I quit something – that’s one more person I’m letting down. I am proven to be unreliable and people can’t always count on me…. But I REFUSE to continue labeling myself as someone who is unreliable.
I want to be trusted by God. I want Him to break every piece of me and remold me into who he wants me to be. I want him to see me and say – this is FOR you to handle with care.
So my question is…
Do you struggle with quitting? Is there something you wish God could trust you with?