Father’s Day is always weird for me because I don’t know how to celebrate it.
For years I had a sense of abandonment because my biological father was not in the picture. Yes, I have a stepfather who stepped up and assumed that role; yet, something was always missing.
I spent 20+ years believing the man who brought me into this world didn’t want me. A daily feeling that I wasn’t good enough to fight for or even call occasionally stays deep within. Yes, many of you may say, get a therapist and deal with it, but unless you’ve experienced that pain you’ll never understand.
I’ve spent my whole life watching my friends being adored by their fathers; while mine missed out on every big moment of my life, by choice.
While in the last three years, I was able to get more of the story. How do you turn off feeling not being wanted? A father is supposed to set the example for girls of how a man should treat her; so it makes complete sense why I either end up in shitty relationships and sabotage the good ones.
I love my biological father with all my heart. I now understand that so much was out of his control… and while him and I grew separately – I’m so much like him, it’s scary. I just still wish he would’ve been there to protect me and show me… I was worthy of his fight.
On this day… I salute all the men who do the damn thing and show up for their babies daily. I’m thankful for an ex husband who makes sure to be an amazing father to my son. And I send love to my stepdad who while we fought like cats and dogs… he showed up when I needed him.
But, to all my girls who experienced this pain… I see you, I feel you.